Good and Great Friends

A good friend will bail you out of jail.

A great friend will be in the cell next to you saying, "Damn, that was fun!"

Rejected Hallmark Cards

"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:...
-- What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!...
-- Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you....
-- have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...
-- After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...
-- I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
-- that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me...
-- Like the need for therapy."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...
-- I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,...
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
-- You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married...
-- but not to you."

"You look great for your age...
-- Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
-- Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend...
-- So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time...
-- What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you...
-- It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
-- Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
-- I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

Immortality

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A
little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
ballooning, or rock climbing ?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do want to live to be 80?"

Weddings

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the
happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping
it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why
is the groom wearing black?"

Deep thoughts

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.